According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willie? Vegan Lifestyle? Not for Me!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willie? Vegan Lifestyle? Not for Me!

Hi. My name is Jim and I’m a foodaholic. I confess it. I need help. Sam’s lucky because he’s a finicky eater, but not me. I am the proverbial see-food dieter. If I eat one cookie, I’ll eat ten. If I have one slice of cheesecake, I’ll eat half the cake. I’m especially vulnerable around spaghetti or mac ‘n cheese. God help me, I have almost no self control. I can burrow to the bottom of a jar of peanut butter faster than a hillbilly can burrow to the bottom of a hog waller.

I like meat too. Sam and I both like our red meat, our poultry, our pork (but not fish). We are meat-lover pizza puds. We have a weakness for salami, for hotdogs - doesn’t matter if they’re kosher or not - for sausage, for ribs slathered in sauce. We quiver with delight when quaffing down a Big Mac or any other hamburger; the bigger the burger the better. We especially like Red Robin gut-busters, Kid Valley’s, and Five Guys burgers accompanied by big fat fries and washed down with a milkshake. When I die I can’t think of a better way to go than to choke to death on a mouthful of hamburger on a sesame seed bun with secret sauce and a chocolate malted.

Okay, I’m kidding (some), but Sam and I are not about to give up eating meat. You will never call us vegans. Excuse my language, but what the sam hill is wrong with people who go around eating all manner of stuff like alfalfa sprouts, fava beans, quinoa, whipped cauliflower, hummus and that crap and drinking almond-milk smoothies?

People like former president Bill Clinton - bitten by the vegan religion - say we should change the habits and conditions that have lead to our pour health. Quoting from an article in the AARP magazine titled “My Lunch with Bill” and written by Joe Conason, Bill says, “You have to make a conscious decision to change for your own well-being, and that of your family, and your country.”

Bull Bill.

Maybe you were a high-risk person with a history of heart problems, but not all of us are. Your genes basically determine how long you live - as long as you don’t abuse your body too much. Besides, who wants to live to be a hundred anyway? Good grief! How can a few more years of life be worth giving up meat and dairy products, cakes and cookies and candies , fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches -all the good things in life? I’m supposed to give those up in favor of celery sticks, raw carrots, and stuff like acorn squash (which makes me puke).

“I wanted to live long enough to be a grandfather,” Bill says in Conason’s article. Good for you Bill, but I already am one so I’ll pass on the vegan diet and Sam never will be a grandfather so I imagine he’ll keep eating alongside me. You ought to see that dog put away raw hamburger or steak. Whoowee!

I feel like Gary Coleman in his old TV show, Diff'rent Strokes, and want to ask Bill, “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Willie?”

Two bags of Sam’s poop on becoming vegan. Ain’t gonna happen.

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