On the way home from our Montana vacation the other day, Kathleen was concentrating on driving so I had time to day dream - plenty of time, because it’s a looonnggg way across that state.
Anyway, I got to thinking what if there were these two bears foraging in the woods alongside the freeway and one of them says to the other, “Hey Ignatz, I’m tired of sniffing around for pick-a-nick baskets. I’ve got a great idea!”
“What’s your idea Farquar?”
“Let’s jump out on the freeway and scare some motorists.”
“Yeah right. We’ll get our furry little tushees run over. I do not see mine as bug fodder for the radiator of a Peterbilt or Kenworth eighteen-wheeler flying along out there at seventy-plus, thank you.”
“No no! You don’t jump out in the traffic lane so you get run over, just out on the shoulder far enough some poor shmuck driving an SUV full of kids sees you, hits the panic brake and does a 360. We’ll have a few laughs and the SUV people can tell their friends at home, ‘We saw a bear, a real bear!’”
“They’d probably think we were grizzlies.”
“Grizzlies, pooh! Us brown bears are just as fierce as grizzlies. I’d rather be called a bobcat than a grizzly.”
“You’re fierce huh? Is that why you ran like a mule deer in heat when you saw that grizzly the other day?”
“Hey! I was just being cautious, that’s all.”
“I don’t think this is such a good idea Farquar.”
“Oh come on you weenie. It’ll be great.”
“If you’re so keen on this idea, why don’t you just do it?”
“I can’t do it! You know I have bad knees. My rheumatiz, remember? I might not be able to jump back off the road fast enough.”
“Why would you have to jump off the road if you’re not going out into the traffic lane?”
“Well, it’s possible we could scare a passing motorist bad enough he’d veer off the road toward us. Look, you just amble out onto the shoulder, stand up to your full height, wave your paws like you want to eat somebody and let out a big growl. It’ll be more fun than Halloween fright night to watch people’s reactions.”
“Can we get arrested for this?”
“No! Well, I can’t believe we would. I mean, worst-case scenario, the Fish and Game people might relocate us somewhere else cuz’ we’re such bad boys.”
“We are kinda’ bad aren’t we?”
“Yeah baby! We real bad! Besides, aren’t you tired of foraging for huckleberries and leaving claw marks on trees to say, ‘Ignatz was here?’”
“Well, yeah . . . but relocation doesn’t sound too good. I’d miss all my friends.”
“Oh posh tish. Or tish posh. Or something like that. I’m the only friend you’ve got and they’ll relocate me with you.”
“Well, what if we got relocated to (oh lord!) California! Even worse, what if we were sold to somebody who caged us up at a shopping mall and turned us into some kind of freaky-bear sideshow?”
“Growl and bear it dude. Growl and bear it, hee hee hee. Hey! Maybe they'd feed you salmon!"
“I don’t think I like this Farquar. Salmon would be wonderful, but . . ."
“For crying out loud Ignatz! It was just an idea, okay? Forget it. I was only joking.”
“Well, you’ve just about scared the scat out of me joking around like that Farquar. Where’s the nearest tree?”
Anyway, I got to thinking what if there were these two bears foraging in the woods alongside the freeway and one of them says to the other, “Hey Ignatz, I’m tired of sniffing around for pick-a-nick baskets. I’ve got a great idea!”
“What’s your idea Farquar?”
“Let’s jump out on the freeway and scare some motorists.”
“Yeah right. We’ll get our furry little tushees run over. I do not see mine as bug fodder for the radiator of a Peterbilt or Kenworth eighteen-wheeler flying along out there at seventy-plus, thank you.”
“No no! You don’t jump out in the traffic lane so you get run over, just out on the shoulder far enough some poor shmuck driving an SUV full of kids sees you, hits the panic brake and does a 360. We’ll have a few laughs and the SUV people can tell their friends at home, ‘We saw a bear, a real bear!’”
“They’d probably think we were grizzlies.”
“Grizzlies, pooh! Us brown bears are just as fierce as grizzlies. I’d rather be called a bobcat than a grizzly.”
“You’re fierce huh? Is that why you ran like a mule deer in heat when you saw that grizzly the other day?”
“Hey! I was just being cautious, that’s all.”
“I don’t think this is such a good idea Farquar.”
“Oh come on you weenie. It’ll be great.”
“If you’re so keen on this idea, why don’t you just do it?”
“I can’t do it! You know I have bad knees. My rheumatiz, remember? I might not be able to jump back off the road fast enough.”
“Why would you have to jump off the road if you’re not going out into the traffic lane?”
“Well, it’s possible we could scare a passing motorist bad enough he’d veer off the road toward us. Look, you just amble out onto the shoulder, stand up to your full height, wave your paws like you want to eat somebody and let out a big growl. It’ll be more fun than Halloween fright night to watch people’s reactions.”
“Can we get arrested for this?”
“No! Well, I can’t believe we would. I mean, worst-case scenario, the Fish and Game people might relocate us somewhere else cuz’ we’re such bad boys.”
“We are kinda’ bad aren’t we?”
“Yeah baby! We real bad! Besides, aren’t you tired of foraging for huckleberries and leaving claw marks on trees to say, ‘Ignatz was here?’”
“Well, yeah . . . but relocation doesn’t sound too good. I’d miss all my friends.”
“Oh posh tish. Or tish posh. Or something like that. I’m the only friend you’ve got and they’ll relocate me with you.”
“Well, what if we got relocated to (oh lord!) California! Even worse, what if we were sold to somebody who caged us up at a shopping mall and turned us into some kind of freaky-bear sideshow?”
“Growl and bear it dude. Growl and bear it, hee hee hee. Hey! Maybe they'd feed you salmon!"
“I don’t think I like this Farquar. Salmon would be wonderful, but . . ."
“For crying out loud Ignatz! It was just an idea, okay? Forget it. I was only joking.”
“Well, you’ve just about scared the scat out of me joking around like that Farquar. Where’s the nearest tree?”
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