According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Suffering's Not My Thing Man

Monday, January 14, 2013

Suffering's Not My Thing Man

I suffer so much. Sam tells me I wouldn’t if I didn’t dwell on things like I do.

For instance, I shouldn’t dwell on the fact that every football team I rooted for in this past weekend’s playoff games lost. Two of the teams - the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks lost in the last seconds of their games. That just drives me crazy. I get so angry my whole day is ruined. I keep telling myself to quit watching sports, but like a mosquito drawn to a bug zapper, I keep letting myself get sucked in.

I shouldn’t dwell on the fact that I can’t eat what I want to either (aha! The real crux of this posting). I won’t say I’m dieting because I hate using that word. Let’s just say I’m being careful what I eat and I’m trying valiantly to resist things I shouldn’t eat. It’s a health thing, but I’m suffering.

I can’t help craving food. Or can I? I’m the oldest of seven kids. If I didn’t belly up to the table at the dinner bell in a timely fashion, there wouldn’t have been any slop left in the feed trough for this little piggy. OINK! I feel I’m Pavlov’s pig!

Anyway, I’ve been really good all week; feel better and everything. But last night we didn’t want to cook dinner so Kathleen brought home some Kentucky Fried Chicken. OMG! Talk about your finger-lickin’ heaven. I was wishing I had way more fingers. Good thing Kathleen only bought us three-piece meals because if she had bought family-sized meals like we used to buy I’d still be wallowing in the bottom of that danged bucket wishing it was full of those six-winged chickens that the Chinese people have accused KFC of serving in their country. According to The Wall Street Journal, the Chinese apparently think KFC is serving chickens with higher levels of antibiotics and steroids to its customers than permitted by their Chinese law.

The KFC meals that Kathleen brought home to our house DID come with biscuits (which I didn’t eat), mashed potatoes and gravy (which I did eat), coleslaw and a chocolate-chip bundt cake. I swear to you I did not inhale when I ate a piece of bundt cake. Okay, I ate two pieces, but I DID NOT INHALE! In fact, there’s a big chunk of cake left over still sitting on the kitchen counter. I’ve asked Kathleen to PULEEZE eat it, but so far she hasn’t helped me out. You don’t suppose she’s torturing me to test my will power do you?

I hate being tested as much as I hate my football teams losing. No wonder I’m feeling cranky. Food deprivation and losing football games are the Devil’s handy work I’m sure. I went to church today and prayed for help. Maybe I also need to reread Pyscho-Cybernetics. That classic 1960’s self-help book, written by Maxwell Maltz, which said that concentrating on one’s inner attitudes was essential to achieving one’s outer success. Maltz said, if I remember correctly, that it took 21 days of practicing a positive inner attitude to achieve outer success. So, seven days down, 14 to go.

Arrgghh! Three bags of poop on suffering. I hate suffering. You probably shouldn’t come near me for awhile. It’s okay to go ahead and read this posting, however.

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