According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Armstrong's Confession Stinks

Friday, January 18, 2013

Armstrong's Confession Stinks

Lance. Lance. Lance. Your confession is too little too late you dope.

Sam and I always suspected you used performance-enhancing drugs to win seven Tour de France races. As Jon Stewart of The Daily Show says, “Any idiot could have seen (this) coming.”

How could anybody win such a grueling bike race that many times, especially after having testicular cancer? Did your doctors bind your testicles up so they wouldn’t rub and chafe on your bicycle seat or what? But you lied so long and so convincingly we wanted to believe you. Besides, you were from the good ol’ US of A and good ol’ boys from the US of A don’t lie, cheat and steal. On the other hand, you are from Texas . . .

But Lance, confessing now to Oprah Winfrey just makes you look worse than if you had continued to lie. You didn't look contrite on her show at all. You apparently confessed with a goal in mind. You wanted something in return for your confession and buddy, that’s not how confessions work. A true confession is contrite and humble, where you go through with it even though you are well aware that your head might be hoisted aloft on your own petard. You don’t bring lawyers and advisors to your confession and dictate terms of forgiveness to make sure you don’t run afoul of a statute of limitations.

As Lance Pugmire wrote in a Los Angeles Times Sports article, January 17, “If Lance Armstrong’s mea culpa to Oprah Winfrey is being done as a bid for forgiveness, Kathy LeMond will be watching with deaf ears.”

"There is no limit to what he would do to protect his secret," said LeMond, the wife of three-time Tour de France champion Greg LeMond, "and not one word could come out of his mouth that would convince me to change his opinion of who he really is.

"I can't describe to you the level of fear he brings to a family, other than to liken it to a drunken, alcoholic, abusive spouse who gets out of jail with a bouquet of roses for his bloodied spouse, saying, 'Here, I'm sorry I did that.'"

Now we can’t help wondering why Sheryl Crow broke it off with you Lance. Did Sheryl find out that you were a liar and lose respect for you? Losing respect for their guy is why a lot of women pack it in, you know? Well, if you can’t get back into competitive sports maybe you can take up country and western singing and warble about how you blew it with Sheryl. We could be talking gold record here if you can carry a tune in a bucket.

The real question Lance, is whether fame and glory (not to mention Sheryl and the moolah) were worth the loss of your self-respect. You seem bent on trying to manipulate people around you, but if you don’t prostrate yourself in front of your accusers and wait for the sword to fall on the back of your neck, your confession means absolutely nothing.

When you finally fully realize how pathetic you are Lance, somebody should put you on suicide watch because the weight of your transgressions will come crashing down on you harder than a 10-bike pileup in the Pyrenees. How can the world forgive your blatant self righteousness ? Maybe everybody in sports was doping up like you did. But like your momma should have told you when you were young, “Just because everybody else does something doesn’t make it right.”

Three bags of poop on your confession Lance. Like John Nance Garner, Franklin Roosevelt’s vice-president once said of his office, “It’s not worth a bucket of warm spit.” By the way, Garner was a Texan too. H-m-m-m. 

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