Unleashing Whoopass Slogans

Sam and I were trying to think up some new sayings or slogans, whatever you want to call them, this morning. We’re tired of the same old ones. Here’s what we came up with. Maybe you can add to the list.

Think about it then don’t do it - unless you get paid

Observe everything, conclude nothing; nobody cares what you think anyway.

Instead of sitting on it, just chew on awhile it then spit it out.

Fill an ice cream bowl once, satisfy a sweet tooth. Fill an ice cream bowl twice, get a toothache.

Be sure to take all your drugs as directed. Leave nothing behind for your teenagers.



Here are some familiar slogans we’d like to repudiate:

Les Schwab: “We have your tires.”               Well, give them back!

Nike: “Just do it.”                    Do what? What if I don’t want to?

United Negro College Fund: “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”                  At least I’m trying!

United States Army: “Be all that you can be.”                  You be dead if you join up and get shot.

Wheaties: “Breakfast of champions.”                         Yeah? So how come I ain’t in the Olympics?

Kay Jewelers: “Every kiss begins with Kay.”      Honey, I swear I didn’t have nuthin’ to do with that chick.

California Milk Processor’s Board: “Got milk?” “                No. I got tequila, I got rum, I got scotch and I got Jack, but I ain’t got milk.

Burger King: “Have it your way.”                      I will smart aleck. You sound just like my wife.

Burger King: “Home of the Whopper.”              I thought that was where my grandpa lived. He could TELL some whoppers!

Energizer Batteries: “Nothing outlasts the Energizer. It keeps going and going and going.”        Even longer than Viagra or Levitra or Cialis?

Peter Paul Almond Joy and Peter Paul Mounds: “Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t.”                                                                       Well, guess what, you are a nut.

Office Depot: “Taking care of business.”             Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby.

McDonald’s: “We do it all for you.”               Bull bagels! Can you biggee size my paycheck?

Federal Express: “When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.”                   Put your running shoes on, get your tush in high gear and call Santa’s reindeer.

The Home Depot: “You can do it. We can help.”                     Why don’t you do it for me so I don’t have to mess with it?

De Beers: “A diamond is forever.”              Yeah, it will way outlast your marriage.

Isaly Dairy Company’s Klondike Bar: “What would you do for a Klondike bar?”              I wouldn’t have to kill anybody would I?”

AT&T: Reach out and touch someone.”                You do and you’ll be charged with sexual harassment.

Kentucky Fried Chicken: “Finger lickin’ good.”                  Even after going deep for boogers.

Bic Lighters: “Flick your Bic.”                  As in, I’d like to flick your Bic baby.

Budweiser beer: “When you say Budweiser, you’ve said it all”                        That should shut ‘em up at a micro-brew bar all right.

Buick: “Wouldn’t you really rather have a Buick.”                                        No man I got a Honda. It goes farther faster, gets better gas mileage and will be around long after the Buick’s at the junkyard.

Campari: “The first time is never the best.”                 Maybe not, but it ain’t half bad either and you might not get another chance.

Chesterfield Cigarettes: “Blow some my way.”                           I’ll stuff that cigarette up your nose if you do. Now you know why we’re outlawing cigarettes every where we can.

Well, you should have gotten the gist of this posting by now. Two bags of poop on you if you don’t consider this posting funny. As they say at Dr. Pepper, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Ta, Ta!