Give Charlie His Shot Old Gal

The sky is falling, the sky is falling! Didn’t somebody say that already?

Sam and I were reading our Saturday morning newspaper and came across an op/ed-page article by syndicated columnist Maureen Dowd, where she says she’s developed a debilitating case of cosmophobia - basically, a fear that the world will end. Well, nothing good lasts forever.

Dowd’s fears apparently come from reading too many new books about apocalyptic mayhem and paying too much attention to the Mayan Calendar which supposedly prophesies that a planet will collide with the earth before Christmas. Hey, at least we won’t have to spend all our money on shopping and fighting the crowds at the mall, right?

Sorry, but Sam and I believe the Bible, where it tells us no one is going to know for sure when the world will end. Will the world end? Yeah, probably, but who knows when? We haven’t yet run out of wars to fight. We haven’t yet run out of oil. We haven’t yet run out of food. Yes, people are killing each other at what seems to be an alarming rate, and maybe the earth is heating up so much from greenhouse gases that the wild fires raging across the U.S. are Revelations fulfilled. But is the end imminent - like by Christmas? Don’t shoot yourself just in case, okay?

Speaking of the end of the world though, Sam and I think it might actually end when Queen Elizabeth finally hands the reins of the empire over to her son Charles. That will be a cosmopohbic event. What’s that dowdy old broad waiting for? She’s 86. Anybody over 80 should just hang it up stay home and drink tea cozies and eat sconces (hear that Supreme Court Justices?). Not that you don’t still have a brain when you’re older than 80. Not that you aren’t still physically fit. You’re just old and you’ve grown ugly with age and we’re tired of looking at you.

Come on Queenie, let Charlie have his shot. Don’t bypass him for his son William just because of that whole Diana fiasco and just because Kate is way prettier (and dare we say sexier?) than Camilla? You’re probably as much to blame for what happened to Charles and Diana as anyone. No, old deary (make that old dreary), it’s time to step aside. Besides, we are tired of looking at your god-awful hats. Is it just our imagination or do you actually ORDER your hat maker to design the ugliest chapeaus on earth? I guess that is one way to get noticed, but sheesh! Hurry up and let Charles have his day on the throne. If you don’t he’s likely to become a weatherman permanently and wind up predicting the world ending with a hurricane.

Sam and I both know the world isn’t going to end until at least three bags full of poop hit the fan. So relax. As the great Dr. Sidney Freedman of M.A.S.H fame once said, “Ladies and gentlemen take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.” At least you’ll be cool on your way to hell.