Sam and I do NOT want to weigh in on this issue, but since we’re guys we feel like we need to.
A simple solution to the hubbub about male sexual assault, harassment, obsession, addiction, etcetera, would be for men to carry a pad of permission slips with them that say something like:
“I (woman’s name), being of sound mind and body, and not coerced in any way, freely consent to have sex with or freely consent to allow (man’s name) to talk to me about it, leer at my legs, lust over my breasts, touch me in intimate places, watch porn or read pornographic material.” (See, your wife could sign this too).
The woman should sign the slip and date it and the man should give the woman a copy and keep the original for enough years that the statute of limitations on a sexual assault charge would run out.
Be aware guys that even if you obtained a permission slip the woman still might charge you with a crime because she didn’t like something you said or did and it’s your word against hers in court. Trust me her word will definitely carry more weight .
For extra insurance, other wording that should be included in the permission slip would be something like, “I (the woman) also freely consent to audio and/or videotaping of any event occurring between myself and (your name).” Don’t use a fictitious name for yourself. That will really land you in hot water with the law.
I’m not a lawyer, but if I were you I certainly would cover my – uh – magic wand. You could also throw in some phraseology about the woman having recourse to sue you if you used the audio or videotape of your “session together” for any purpose other than defense in a court of law, which she surely would. Just call this permission slip your pre-sexnup.
Many women, of course, would be righteously glad if men didn’t even have penises. For a great perspective on penises I highly recommend you read Joel Stein’s piece in the June 14 issue of Time titled, “America’s Next Top Weiner.”
We are so strangely schizophrenic about sex in this country. We sell it every day on TV, in movies, in books, in advertisements – no holds are barred. And who do you think writes a lot of the sexy stuff? WOMEN! Yet they don’t want to acknowledge that they are driving men in America crazy constantly telling them that having sex is equivalent to falling in love then slapping them in irons when they try.
For more fun reading on matters regarding sex, be sure and peruse these other June 14, Time articles - Switzerland’s Answer to Dirty Prostitution; Hike Naked: Germany Opens New Nude-Friendly Nature Trail and San Francisco’s Circumcision Ban: An Attack on Religious Freedom?
Something like that circumcision ban could only happen in California, the land where they have tried to require diapers on horses to cover up their genitals. Not removing the foreskin might make it harder to get to the big Weiner for telephone pictures (eh, Congressman).
Could someone direct Sam and me to the nearest seminary?
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