Must be 50 ways to relieve stress. Buy new shoes to start

It’s another manic Monday. Are you feeling stressed? Sam and I offer the following helpful suggestions on how to relieve yourself (uh - of stress).

First, buy a new pair of shoes. This works for a lot of people. And buying shoes could become less expensive if Washington State senators Maria Cantwell and Patty Murray (Democrats) have anything to say about it. They’ve teamed up with senators Roy Blount of Missouri and Pat Roberts of Kansas (Republicans) to promote the Affordable Footwear Act, which would eliminate about half of the tax duty imposed on imported shoes. Apparently, this partnering of two political parties is possible because there isn’t a heck of a lot going on in Congress right now. Bet Imelda Marcos would have liked this bill.

Of course new shoes can cause a lot of stress. My wife Kathleen slips into a new pair of shoes and walks away like they were molded onto her feet. My feet are in agony until my shoes look like deflated footballs fed through a shredder and run over by a U.S. Army tank. A new pair of shoes I got when I was a young boy wore a blister on my heel which caused blood poisoning in my leg, which nearly killed me, which triggered rheumatic fever, which landed me in the hospital for a several months.

So many things can produce stress: a bad day at work, your spouse, your kids, neck pain, back pain, a pain in the butt – so many things! Besides buying a new pair of shoes, other ways to reduce or eliminate stress include: listening to music (preferably something better than what they play in Kohl’s or Safeway); calling a friend (if you have one); eating better (not too much broccoli though); taking up tai chi or yoga or meditation; checking into a luxury spa for a week if you don’t mind forking out around $4,000. Sometimes you can even get a second week for half price, so for a measly $6,000 you’ll soon be as good as new. I personally would be stressed out about how to pay off my American Express Card and explaining to my wife why I checked in to the spa rather than the closest mental hospital.

It is NOT recommended that you relieve your stress by driving your car off a cliff; by jumping off a bridge; by drinking yourself to death, by taking an overdose of drugs or by shooting someone. DON’T try those at home – or anywhere else.

Sam recommends buying a new chew toy to relieve stress (I’d recommend getting a puppy, but he blew it with that suggestion). But you could also quit your stressful job, take an inexpensive vacation, read a good book, eat lots of comfort food (mac and cheese), stay in bed all day, have a huge pity party or find yourself a dark hidey hole. Ok, you can seek professional help too, but your therapist might want you to work too hard to get over your stress and that could lead to depression.

My personal remedy to relieve stress is chilling with a couple of cold brewskies while sitting in the sunshine in my rocking chair out on the porch watching the world go by.

 Poop on stress.