According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Stuck for Words? Consult This Book of Witty One-Liners

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Stuck for Words? Consult This Book of Witty One-Liners

Dear readers: please consider today’s blog a book review (of sorts). That way maybe Sam and I won’t get in trouble for plagiarism or for violating any copyright laws. 

Do you enjoy witty sayings zippy one-liners, gotchas? Sam and I do too. I bought a book titled Great One Liners at Barnes & Noble the other day and Sam and I thought I should share a few laughs with you. The book was published by Platinum Press, L.L.C. and edited by Marcia Kamien.

I’ve always admired W.C. Fields’ ability to put life in its proper perspective, like when he says, (quoting from the book) “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” How about this saying from Dean Martin, “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” Frank Sinatra chipped in his two cents by saying, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”

Sam and I are betting more than a few Seahawks fans can relate to those sayings about strong drink, especially after Sunday’s playoff game against the 49’ers.

How about this saying for all you New Year’s resolutionistas on the importance of exercise: “Exercise can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.”

“We could certainly slow the aging process if it had to work its way through Congress.”

“How about a fitness program for older folks called Pumping Rust?”

Moving on, I like these sayings: “What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.”

Hey, “If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

“Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a beer guy and a bald head, and still think they’re sexy.”

“The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bullshit,” (according to Lars Erik Nelson).

“Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing everyone opposing them.”

“We have 35 million laws, trying to enforce just Ten Commandments.” (How many times have I said that!)

“Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.” (I’ll drink to that!)

“Forget health food. I’m at an age when I need all the preservatives I can get.”

“Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’”

“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.”

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.”

“Old aunts used to come up to me at family weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, ‘You’re next!’ They stopped after I began doing the same thing to them at funerals.”

Sam and I give Great One Liners three tail wags. It’s a fun read. Pick up a copy for yourself.

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