According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Bounce Beyonce & Basketball

Monday, February 4, 2013

Bounce Beyonce & Basketball

Sam and I are wondering if Beyonce lip-synced the National Anthem at President Obama’s inauguration because she was afraid to take Performance Enhancing Drugs prior to reporting to the Stupor Bowl for her halftime show. What if the NFL decided to test her for P.E.D.s when she arrived? If you watched her at the Stupor Bowl strut around bare-legged, tight-crotched and bouncing her butt cheeks like a Harlem Globetrotter double dribbling, who could blame the NFL for thinking she might take P.E.D.s? The woman may actually be able to sing, but Sam and I doubt that we’ll ever know.

What’s all the sound and fury about the Stupor Bowl anyway? It’s just another football game, right? The only reason Sam and I can see for getting all excited about it is the fact that it’s sort of a last hurrah before sports goes into that black hole never-never land between football and baseball. Forget hockey, which I don’t understand and basketball which I am way less than fond of.

What’s the deal with hockey anyway? I mean, the players frequently get whistled down for “icing,” which seems weird to me because, hey, they’re playing on ice aren’t they? And I haven’t liked hockey much anyway since a big burly guy at a game in Oakland threatened to stuff my air horn where the sun didn’t shine. I didn’t want to see the $2 I’d spent on the air horn go to waste, so I didn’t cheer much the rest of the game. Hockey has been a lot less enjoyable since then.

Basketball drives me crazy. I get really tired of watching those prima-donna basketball players slam dunk and strut around like they’re God’s gift to the sports world. And I have a really hard time watching anybody that makes the kind of money they make play a simple game that started out just for fun in a YMCA gym with peach baskets for goals. Wonder what the guy who invented the game would think of it now? No wonder that Starbucks mogul dumped his interest in the Seattle Super Sonics. You can’t sell enough lattes at $2 a cup to pay the salaries of those basketball goons. They constantly need more money to pay for their tattoos and their trendy shoes and their owners constantly bitch that they need more money from the citizenry to build new arenas.

A lot of people in Seattle and the surrounding area are excited that the Sonics might be coming back. Some dude who manages (manages?) a lot of other people’s money promises to spend gazillions of dollars of his investor’s money to build a new arena and bring the team back. Local fans seem to forget, however, that the Sonics don’t exist anymore. The team sought out greener pastures a few years ago and was renamed the Oklahoma City Thunder. If a new team is brought here it might be the Sacramento Kings who would have to be renamed the Sonics - but they wouldn’t be the real Sonics.

Somebody needs to point out to the local fans that one reason the Sonics were sold out from under us is that they had fallen into mediocrity and weren’t winning all that much. Their owners blamed losing money on the arena and we wouldn’t build them a new one. Now the Kings owners are blaming their money woes on Sacramento’s arena, but the Kings are mediocre too.

If a basketball team comes back here it will be mediocre for at least a couple of years. Suggestion: allow any team that plays in Seattle to take P.E.D.s for awhile so they’ll have time to become winners. If they’re allowed to take P.E.D.s Beyonce could legally lip-synch at their halftime show; with the costumes she (doesn’t) wear, nobody would know if she was or wasn’t.

Otherwise, poop on basketball and hockey and please God let the Mariners be winners this year!

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