According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Don't Shoot Me Just Squirt Me

Friday, January 25, 2013

Don't Shoot Me Just Squirt Me

Sam and I have a solution for gun control. Lend us your ears for a minute and you shall hear.

Our glorious plan is to substitute plastic water bottles - squirt bottles with nozzles - for guns. When someone willingly turns a gun in or when a gun is confiscated from a bad guy, a squirt bottle, free of charge, is exchanged for the gun. That way, the urge to shoot someone remains intact, but instead of getting their brains blown out, victims will only get their faces wet. This solution is so cool it just drips with possibilities, huh? Now we just need to get Wal Mart and gun retailers to sell more squirt bottles.

In lieu of squirt bottles you could substitute squirt guns (although the bottles hold more water). Remember the plastic squirt guns of our youth? Shootouts would have totally different results with squirt bottles or guns. Any innocent person caught in crossfire would only wind up wet, not dead. Road rage would only result in wet car interiors unless you totally took your eyes off the road and plowed into the guy in front of you. Hey! How about this? You’re driving down the road and you see someone talking or texting on a cell phone - a clear no-no and generally a violation of the law. If that person has his or her window down you simply pull up alongside, put your window down and squirt the dummy.

Not only would squirt bottles be more useful in shootouts, they could be used in a myriad of other ways too. I squirt Sam when he starts barking uncontrollably for a treat. A wet face shuts him right up. The same trick works on cats too (sorry cat people). Think of this application for use on unruly kids or spousal arguments. Sam and I see the potential for a real decline in domestic abuse. If you spouse is arguing with you a little too vociferously, just give him or her a quick squirt. Maybe you could even train that slovenly husband to hand up his clothes or that forgetful wife to put the cap back on the toothpaste.

Of course the squirt bottle is also useful for watering, but not overwatering, small house plants and for wetting your favorite shirt when the steam iron fails to take the wrinkles out. I use a squirt bottle to spot clean the carpet and to help dust the furniture.

But getting back to gun control: with a squirt bottle or gun, target practice would also be a lot easier. You wouldn’t have to drive to a gun range somewhere, thus wasting gas and polluting our environment. You could stay home; enjoy the luxury of reclining in your favorite easy chair and practice blasting spiders or flies off the wall. If you believe strongly in the sanctity of life, you wouldn’t kill them with a water blast, like you do when you swat them with a newspaper or flyswatter, unless you sprayed them with multiple shots. Water on your walls cleans up a lot better than blood.

A bag of poop on you if you don’t think this is a great idea. What do you know? Visualize a squirt being aimed your way even as we speak.


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