Say Woof to Doggie Diamonnds

Sam and I wonder if you’ve finished your Christmas shopping. If you haven’t, we came across a uniquely morbid gift idea in Wednesday’s edition of The Wall Street Journal.

According to a WSJ article titled, “That Cat is a Real Jewel: How Some Furry Friends Stay Precious,” written by Geoffrey A. Fowler, there are places you can go to have the remains of your favorite pet turned into diamonds, gemstones and other jewelry. The idea is to turn the carbon in your pet’s ashes into man-made gems. Prices vary, based on color of gem wanted, size and so on. Reportedly, the diamonds that are being made share the same physical properties as mined diamonds.

Sam is looking at me now as if to say, “Don’t even think about it Bub.”

He doesn’t need to worry. I prefer him as my little diamond in the ruff.

But Mr. Fowler writes in his article about a Florida woman who commissioned a company to “create a light-blue zircon gemstone out of remains from her teacup Chihuahua,” and another woman - a California police officer - who had diamonds made out of the remains of her black cat (and we should trust this weird woman to serve and protect us?!).

Fowler’s article also quotes a spokesperson for the Gemological Institute of America saying that the carbon found in the remains of a pet is the same as the carbon found in naturally occurring diamonds. The good news is that producing a one-carat diamond requires less than a cup of ashes. Of course, “Sometimes, companies add outside carbon” if your precious pet’s remains don’t contain enough.

“Hey Joe, go outside the building and off a coupla’ rats. We need some more carbon to diamondnize Mrs. Millicutty’s little tweety bird.”

Fowler’s article goes on to quote a professor of social psychology saying that many people don’t want to believe death is the end for their pets, and because they also don’t think their pets will have a spiritual afterlife, they have them turned into jewels.

“There’s no doggy heaven?” Sam asks.

Apparently, living pets can make jewels too. You just have to save some hair samples or something and take them to your local alchemist and voila! A three-quarter carat radiant-cut diamond made from the hair of one ladies’ Yorkie Poo and two Lhasa Apsos cost $4,700.

Now Sam is really looking worried. “Don’t worry,” I say, “If I were going to have anything made out of you it would be a nice warm pair of slippers. But you’re only big enough to make on slipper for my size 13s, so you’re not in any danger.”

Sam and I can’t help wondering what Roy Rogers would have done with Trigger. If Roy had the option of turning Trigger into gemstones rather that stuffing him, would he have done so?

Sam and I are going to stick to traditional gifts this Christmas. Two bags of poop (no, you shouldn’t make diamonds out of that) on anything else.