According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Stay Warm, Eat Less, No Phone

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Stay Warm, Eat Less, No Phone

All I want for Christmas is … NOT to have a heart attack. I also have no desire to read my doctor’s notes to find out if I am on the verge of having one. According to the December 20 issue of USA Today, people are more likely to have heart attacks during the cold winter months and particularly around Christmas. Going outside in really cold weather and suffering acute stress during the holidays can actually kill you.

A Harvard Medical School study apparently has discovered that patients want freer access to their doctor’s notes. Sam and I think that could be a real problem. I mean, if you read something in your doctor’s notes you don’t like you might blow a gasket – or your heart. Or, it’s quite likely you’ll be telling someone about your doctor’s notes, complaining loudly and angrily over your cell phone as you drive down the street, then suddenly you’ll become so enraged you’ll lose your focus, run a red light and BANG! You’re t-boned and dead.

Okay. Sam thinks we need some solutions to these worst-case scenarios. I would suggest staying indoors snuggled up on the couch with a nice hot toddy to combat the possibility of a heart attack during the cold, but apparently being sluggish and sedentary doesn’t help. Shoot. But you should avoid shoveling a lot of snow; beaucoup people keel over from doing that. Buy a snow blower. And of course, we’re supposed to go easy on the rich food during the holidays. In other words, don’t stuff yourself like a turkey and you’re heart shouldn’t go quirky. Hopefully, we don’t have to totally forego all the cookies, pies, fudge and other goodies; just thinking about eschewing (not chewing) those items spikes my blood pressure.

As for obtaining access to your doctor’s notes, fugedaboutit. You think you could actually read your doc’s handwriting? And what if he insulted you, like calling you a stubborn fat fart who won’t listen to his good advice about diet and exercise? You’ll be yelling in your cell phone, “I’m gonna’ sue!” Chances are you won’t find anything more interesting in your doctor’s notes than his golf and luncheon dates.

The National Traffic Safety Board has recommended that states outlaw all use of cell phones in our vehicles, even if we have hands-free setups (which we should). The NTSB says we’re too distracted even with hands-free. Oh bull! When are people going to quit trying to save us from ourselves? I mean, I can see outlawing driving down the highway attempting to take a picture of that hunk on a Harley and transmitting it to your girlfriend at work, but just talking? One helpful suggestion is to equip cell phones with a chip that disables them while your car is in motion. Crap!

We love our cell phones too much, but if we crash even when we’re talking hands free, that’s our bad. Just don’t drive when it’s really cold or icy outside, eating reindeer gingerbread cookies while talking on your cell phone or you might later see a comment in your doctor’s notes that your crash caused your cell phone to be permanently embedded in your brain and you’ll have to sue him to erase the comment when you come out of your coma.

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