According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Driver Test Makes Me Crazy

Friday, September 23, 2011

Driver Test Makes Me Crazy

I have to renew my driver’s license pretty soon (which means it’s almost my birthday, hint, hint). So, at Sam’s urging, I drove to the DMV and obtained a copy of the Washington Driver Guide. Several laws have changed and new ones have been added and I wanted to make sure to pass the test.

But as I read the new Driver Guide, I can't help wishing I could answer some potential test questions the way I really would like to. For example:

1. Must I yield to a transit bus signaling that it is pulling back onto the roadway? My preferred answer would be, “If I’m running late for work, just get the heck out of my way. I’m on a tighter schedule than you are.” But since Kathleen works for the transit company, I’ll be courteous.

2. Can I talk on my cell phone while I’m driving? My preferred answer would be, “Why not, as long as I’m not texting and I’m not too distracted?”

3. Is it okay to use my horn to encourage someone to drive faster or get out of the way? “Oh heck yeah. Drive it or park it Bud!”

4. Should I allow extra distance between a motorcycle and my vehicle in case the motorcycle goes down on a slippery road? “Hey, it’s not my fault motorcycle riders travel too fast and cut between lanes of traffic. If a biker goes down, oopsie. Sorry Bud. Kahlunk.”

5. On a winding two-lane road must I use a turnout to let other vehicles pass if there are more than 5 behind me? “I will if the slowpoke in front of me will. Can’t that dude take a curve at more than 20 mph without riding his brakes?”

6. Can Sam ride in my lap while I’m driving? “Not unless he wants a bad case of steering wheel neck stretching. He has a perfectly good place to sit on the center console.”

7. Must I signal before I change lanes? “Sure, unless I’m in the far left lane of the freeway and the off-ramp I should have taken is clear on the other side and there’s no time to signal before swerving over there. Sorry if I cut you off dude, but that was my exit.”

8. What must I do if someone is tailgating me? “Slow way down or stop suddenly. That’ll show ‘em. And flash ‘em the old single-digit IQ sign when they pass.”

9. Should I drive if I’m fatigued? “Of course not, but you know how far it is between here and the middle of Montana? Do you know how much it cost to get a room? Do you think I’m going to sleep at a rest stop when there could be murderers and muggers hanging out there? Besides, you ever heard how much noise those big rig reefer generators make? “

10. Can I exceed the speed limit if weather and traffic conditions permit? “Sure, if I don;'t get caught. Speed limit signs are posted for sissies and  people dumb enough to obey them– everybody knows that.”

I hope I don't fail the driver's test, I might have to borrow the neighbor kids' little plastic, battery-operated sidewalk-car to get around. That would be hummoogulating. How DO you spell law-abiding citizen?” 

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