According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Would you vote for this woman?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Would you vote for this woman?

Since our post last Friday blasted the idea of voting for a woman for U.S. President, JUST BECAUSE she was a woman, and since our posts lately have been somewhat serious, Sam and I thought it would be fun to take a humorous look at a potential woman president.

Introducing Anita Delores Delano our new U.S. President. She looks like Danny DeVito, talks like R2D2, and dances the Boot Scootin’ Boogie like Rudolph Nureyev.

A.D.D. as she’s affectionately known to her staffers, generally is nice as pie, but does have a temper like a rabid pit bull. And her foreign affairs policy – generally the scorched earth variety – may bear a slight resemblance to nuclear Armageddon, but that’s just coincidence. Some people compare her to the late Joseph Stalin, but others argue she couldn’t possibly be that bad.

Anyway, a diplomatic crisis with the small Caribbean country of ICurumba erupted recently and A.D.D. handled it in her usual efficient fashion. First she summoned her Secretary of State to her royal chambers (oval office). The Sec. State resembles Don Knots (aka Old Shaky Knees).

Old Shaky Knees presented A.D.D. (mom, he affectionately called her) with a couple of scenarios for handling the diplomatic crisis. But A.D.D. reminded him demurely that she was not the mother superior of the world and said that she regarded Shaky Knees response scenarios to be woefully inadequate. When he started to protest, A.D.D. started yelling, “Off with his head,” and Shaky Knees beat a hasty retreat out of her lair not totally sure whether A.D.D. wanted to lop off his head or the head of the prime minister of ICurumba.

Anyway, A.D.D. managed to talk ICurumba’s prime minister into coming to her den (sorry, office) and attempted to charm him with her Cleopatra-like wiles, but he accidently kicked her asp, so she commenced ragging on the poor man something fierce, insisting that he abandon his stubborn opposition to her plan for world peace. When the ICurumban prime minister failed to capitulate, A.D.D. ordered a kitchen staffer to bring her a broom, with which she summarily administered 40 whacks to the prime minister, nearly beating the living bejeesus out of him.

A.D.D. broke the broom in her passionate dispensing of diplomacy and the kitchen staffer undiplomatically pointed out that A.D.D. recently cut the budget for new brooms, thus A.D.D. would have to use the half broom next time she wanted to whack somebody. This infuriated A.D.D. so much she threw her secure-line telephone (yeah, the red one) at him. The resulting crash against the wall (the darned staffer ducked) sounded like an explosion on the other end of the secure line, which was connected to Israel, causing Israel to order an immediate nuclear missile strike on ICurumba.

Once ICurumba was obliterated from the face of the earth and the dust settled, A.D.D. calmed down and asked the poor country’s prime minister, “Would you like me to bake you some nice cookies?”

“That would be nice,” the prime minister responded.

“Well, forget it Bub,” A.D.D. snarled, “I’m nobody’s sweet little cookie baker.”

And there you have it.

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