Seen Any Good Movies Lately?

Kathleen and I saw a movie Monday night; Parental Guidance starring Billy Crystal and Bette Midler.

“Was it good?” Sam wanted to know.

“It was great - no cussing, no sex, no gratuitous violence.”

“Was there a dog in it?”

“No. Sorry. No dog.”

“How could it have been so great then?”

“A movie can be great without a dog being in it.”

“Humph! What about Ol’ Yeller, 101 Dalmations, Lady and the Tramp or Beethoven? Those were all great movies because they featured dogs. And what about that Disney movie starring Kurt whats-is-name as The Shaggy Dog?”

“Those were good weren’t they?”

“Betcher chew bones they were.”

“The thing Kathleen and I appreciated about the Billy Crystal movie is that it was about grandparents and kids trying to bond with each other and it made us laugh and made us cry. It was about a areal life situation, it wasn’t about Transformers or Cyborgs or aliens trying to conquer earth. It was almost as good as City Slickers.”

“Why doesn’t Hollywood make more of those wholesome-type movies? I mean, who needs Rambo and Terminator and Mel Gibson shooting up the world?”

“I don’t know Sam. You see the same thing on TV. Lots of crime shows or young people constantly agonizing over their unsatisfactory sex lives. It’s like Hollywood writers either haven’t lived very normal lives or they’re so tired of normal they think it isn’t valid anymore.”

“Real life situations not involving sex and violence can be interesting though, right?”

“Right. Gosh, look at Driving Miss Daisy, The Rain Man, The Color Purple, Fried Green Tomatoes - just to name a few.”

“What was the name of that one you told me about where some neighborhood boys befriended a new kid by including him in their baseball games?”

“That was Sandlot, a very good movie.

“You think it’s just too hard to make good movies these days?”

“I can’t imagine that it’s any harder than making a mayhem movie. Perhaps it requires too much thought. Maybe those kinds of movies don’t help release the inner aggressions of Hollywood writers. I don’t know. The problem is, violence really sells at the box office.”

“Yeah. And I saw in your paper this week that they’ve come out with another Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. What is this, the fifth one or something like that?”

“Sad isn’t it?”

“Hey, remember that movie Cujo? That was a violent dog movie. That was a disservice to dogs everywhere, although some of those Brutuses we see in the park make Cujo look like a weenie dog, if you get my drift.”

“I get you. Don’t worry though, I’ll protect you.”

“With your life?”

“Uh, probably.”

“Probably!”

“I’d try okay? But you might have to defend yourself a little bit too, you know? You can’t just run behind my legs every time a big dog sticks his nose out at you.”

“I guess I wouldn’t mind seeing a movie called Terminator Shih Tzu or something, where a little dog like me goes around kicking big dog’s butts, especially if those big dogs poop in the park and nobody picks up after them.”

“That sounds a little violent Sam. The thing I really like about you is your loving and friendly nature.”

“You think I’m cool?”

“I think you’re very cool.”

“Poop on violence in movies then, right?”

“Right!”

“You want to watch Sponge Bob now?”

“No!”

New Movies to Watch For

Sam is encouraging me to write a movie. I was complaining that I didn’t want to go to the new Batman movie or Hunger Games or the Marvel Comics hero movie. I just want to see a plain old movie about real people doing real things.

One movie I’m tempted to write would be called Who Moved the Moon? This would be a story about two young people who meet during a beautiful full moon and fall in love. They swear eternal love to each other as long as the moon is in the sky. They get married, years pass, yada, yada, and then the wife comes down with terminal cancer. After the wife dies the guy notices one night that the moon doesn’t seem to be in the same position as it usually is. Get it? This is a tear-jerker.

Another movie might be called The Train Went over the Mountain. This would be about a guy traveling over the Cascades to Whitefish, Montana, to attend a writer’s conference. On the train he meets a beautiful woman also traveling to the conference. They fall in love and engage in a two-night love tryst (might be rated R) then they have to face the fact that they each must return home to their respective spouses. Maybe they’ll meet once a year at the conference until they get old and grey. Don’t know for sure yet.

Sam suggests that I write a movie called Sam to the Rescue. In this movie, Sam would be the hero who saves little kids and old ladies from various potential disasters. He’s humble at first of course and a beautiful Shih Tzu named Lilly falls in love with him. This is a story of unrequited love, however, because Sam’s a hero and must stay pure to his calling in life. Besides, he’s been fixed. No doubt there would be a lot of comment and punning about that fact throughout the movie. The “twist” in this movie would be that so many people give Sam rewards for his brave deeds he gets a big head and refuses to help people unless he receives a treat. In the end he’ll straighten up, but he almost loses Lily and the respect of other people before he does.

One more? Okay. We need a good old-fashioned western movie these days. How about Hi-yo Dusty Trail Dog or Dog Rides with Woofs? This would be sort of a Zane Grey-ish tale and feature me as a Roy Rogers-type good guy who battles bad guys and saves fair damsels in distress and down-on-their-luck ranchers (or suburbanites in danger of foreclosure?). Sam, of course, would be my trusty sidekick only he’d ride tall in the saddle with me, barking into the wind, “Giddyup horse. I can run on my short little legs faster than this.” When the horse stops abruptly because he’s thoroughly insulted, I fly over his head into a heap on the ground, Sam jumps down, licks my face until I regain consciousness, then runs back to the house to get Kathleen. Cool huh?

Would you watch one of our movies? Two bags of poop on you if you are a critic who doesn’t think they would be any good. These are bona-fide Oscar contenders.

Sorry, I Like Realistic Movies

Anybody seen a good movie lately? I’d like to go see one if I could leave Sam home alone for a couple of hours. Trouble is, I just scanned the entertainment section of the local newspaper and not one of the movies being shown right now appeals to me. 

I just can’t get excited about going to see the Avengers movie or Dark Shadows or The Dictator or The Raven or The Hunger Games or Bully or Lockout. Those movies all involve explosions, terror, violence, bad language or things I just don’t want to see in a movie. 

Alternative choices include such offerings as The Five-Year Engagement, The Lucky One, Mirror, Mirror, Monsieur Lazhar, Think Like A Man, Damsels in Distress, and Sound of My Voice, all of which include sexual situations, sexual references, nudity, bad language, drug use, crude humor and so on. I’m no prude, but don’t our movie makers know how to put together an entertaining film without sex and bad language? They used to be able to do that. 

The only remotely interesting movies showing right now might be Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, about a bunch of British pensioners; Chimpanzee, a “dazzling” look inside the world of chimpanzees; or The Pirates! Band of Misfits, a claymation feature. 

NOT INTERESTED! Where are the movies like Driving Miss Daisy, Rain Man, Sandlot, A Man for All Seasons, Marley and Me, Fried Green Tomatoes, To Kill A Mockingbird, The King’s Speech - movies that depict people in realistic life situations where they are making well-intentioned efforts to do the right thing against all odds, where we share their angst as they try desperately to connect with each other? Those movies seem to come along so rarely. Sometimes, of course, a silly movie like Beverly Hills Chihuahua or a swashbuckler like Jewel of the Nile or a sci-fi like Star Wars is even worth watching. 

Sam and I wonder if the problem with today’s movies is like the Sunday comic strip of Frank and Ernest. The two guys are lamenting the fact that the amusement park is no fun anymore because all of the rides are too much like real life. An acquaintance of mine said something similar recently too, that she didn’t like a book that was too realistic. 

I’m sorry. I fail to see how realism is a problem. Okay, I admit I don’t care much for movies about chimps, or penguins or meerkats and such and in my youth I watched Roy Rogers and Buck Rogers movies. But real life’s a problem? Remember, life is (often) stranger than fiction. 

Yes, good fiction does provide us with an escape from real life. And if you suspend disbelief as you are encouraged to do when partaking of fiction, it’s understandable how you might not like something too realistic. But good grief, I can’t personally suspend my disbelief long enough to watch movies like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon where people fly around in trees or like Harry Potter. To me, good movies allow us some suspension of disbelief while not taking us totally beyond the realm of realism. 

Meryl Streep said on 60 Minutes the other night that big movie producers cater to the younger crowd (who don’t want seem to want realism) because the producers can sell more spinoff toys and goodies to the younger people. That’s something to think about, But meanwhile, Sam and I say two bags of poop on totally unrealistic movies.