XMAS Shopping Done Yet?

OMG.

The other night on television the news people informed us that there were only 76 days left until Christmas. So today there are only 73 days. Man, are Sam and I feeling the pressure.

It used to be that Halloween stuff in the stores didn’t really have to compete with Christmas stuff for shelf space, because the Christmas stuff didn’t appear until just after Thanksgiving. Remember Thanksgiving? But now, the Christmas stuff already is shoving Halloween stuff aside. And the TV news people were kind enough last night to give us tips for “successful” Christmas shopping. Tips! Already!

You know you’re aging too fast when you start lamenting the good old days, but I remember wonderful Halloween nights out roaming the streets in the freezing cold or pouring rain, trying to hit enough houses to fill a pillowcase with candy (never did), eating chocolate between houses, pilfering my sisters’ chocolate whenever I got the chance and comparing my haul with my friends at school the next day. Bad people putting bad stuff in the candy ruined Halloween and when the churches took over and started holding parties to keep kids off the streets it really stopped being fun.

Then, about a month later, here came Thanksgiving, otherwise known to us kids as The Feast of A Thousand Gluttonies. Boy, when I was a teenager I could really eat. Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, fruit salad and yeast bread. One year I ate so much yeast bread I spent the entire night afterward on the porcelain commode. I had gas and constipation like you wouldn’t believe. I should have learned then that anything that looked so good and tasted so good couldn’t possibly be good for you - especially in large quantities.

Another month later, here came Christmas. Don’t you love the fact that for three solid months you have holidays? And now we also celebrate Veteran’s Day on Nov. 11 and New Year’s Day Jan. 1 - but getting back to Christmas. I love Christmas; the colors, the lights, the music, the food, families getting together.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are kind of sad for me now though. My family is almost all gone and we don’t have large happy gatherings anymore. When I first married Kathleen I was filled with joy that her family had big gatherings. But those are starting to dwindle too.

I always wanted to have a special New Year’s Eve when I was a kid. Kathleen and I have had several nice New Year’s Eves since we got married, but when I was a kid . . .

In high school, I was madly in love with a girl. And miracle of miracles, her parents invited me to spend New Year’s Eve weekend with them and another couple in San Francisco. Alas, New Year’s night the parents left us young people in our rooms and went out to party. It was made clear to me that I should not sneak out of my room to go to my girlfriend’s room (which she shared with her parents). And because I was basically a good kid I did not sneak out to be with my girlfriend. Instead, I pined away, wishing with all my heart I could be with her.

It was a long and lonely night. Two bags of poop on sad holiday memories. Sam and I hope you have many, many good ones. But you better get started on your Christmas shopping. We’re running out of time fast.

Rules for Christmas Shopping

Sam and I have put together a little Christmas for Dummies-type article for you.

In this post we’ll discuss Christmas Gift Search Optimization (CGSO.) or how to Avoid Scrooge Syndrome (you figure out the acronym). In this post, you’ll learn where to look for those just-right-gifts for everyone on your list: your spouse, your son or daughter, grandma, Uncle Joe, whoever. Sam and I will show you how ridiculously easy it is to pull holiday magic right out of your hat.

The Rule of Tens
Assuming you can count to 10, following this sage Christmas shopping advice will keep it simple stupid.

1. Make a list of 10 people to shop for – no more, no less and cut it down to 5.

2. List 10 places to shop for gifts – then throw the list away.

3. Drive to your nearest grocery store.

4. Buy 5 gift cards from the gift card rack in the store, spending no more than $50 per card.

(That’s a measly $250 spent on Christmas shopping in case you can’t multiply).

5. Buy 5 little holiday gift bags to put the cards in.

6. Buy yourself some holiday eggnog and whatever booze you prefer to pour in it.

7. Drive home.

8. Load 5 Christmas CDs onto your CD changer and press “shuffle.”

9. Pour yourself a delicious Yule time drink and hit the remote to start the gas fireplace.

10. Sit down, put your feet up and stuff your 5 little holiday gift bags with the gift cards.



Sam and I suggest that you do not shop for your Christmas gift cards on the internet, it takes too much searching and you’ll just get confused by all the offers out there.

No, just drive to the grocery store, preferably on a week day. To enhance your shopping experience, once you grab a shopping cart you can crash into anybody getting into your way, as long as you laugh like it was a mistake and bellow ”Merry Christmas!” Push your cart up to the coffee bar and buy yourself a venti eggnog latte or an iced drink if you prefer, then saunter leisurely up and down the grocery aisles (if you must). Personally, Sam and I would go directly to the card kiosk (or whatever they call it) then get the heck out of there. But if you want to pinch some of the produce or ogle the hottie babe leaning over the meat counter, saunter to your heart’s content. After all, Christmas shopping is supposed to be a pleasant task.

While in the store take joy that you are not one of those mothers wrestling with a whiny kid. Take joy that you are not the cashier being harassed by a silver-haired lady attempting to convince you that the coupon she’s waving in your face really is good for what it is she wants to buy.

On your way out the door, dump 10 of your loose coins into the Salvation Army pot – making sure none of them are worth more than a quarter - and give the jingle bell ringer a wink. You’ll feel like a million bucks for donating that dollar fifty worth of change to charity.

Sam and I wish you a very Merry Christmas!! No poop!