According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: My Kisses Are A Cheap Thrill

Monday, March 5, 2012

My Kisses Are A Cheap Thrill

I think I’m going to hire myself out as a kiss man. I could use some extra money.

I will be sort of like a hit man but I won’t kill or hurt anyone; I’ll just kiss them. And I’ll only kiss adult women, no underage women and no women who won’t give me permission (I definitely won’t kiss any guys). I might call myself The Scarlet Lips or Mookie Lips - something like that. Scarlet Lips sounds pretty cool.

I got this idea from a Los Angeles Times article written by Victoria Kim. The article was reprinted in my Sunday Olympian. According to Kim’s story, a guy named Essam Ahmed Eid of Las Vegas, a 51-year old Egyptian-born man, created an internet web site a while back called, offering to kill “at a moment’s notice.” This turned out not to be a joke as you might have thought. People actually hired him to kill.

One person reportedly deposited $17,000 with Eid if he would kill a mortgage broker. Eid’s client was the ex-girlfriend of the mortgage broker’s new boyfriend. The client even paid Eid by PayPal. Another of Eid’s clients paid $15,000 euros cash, to kill her lover and his two sons. Eid was supposed to make it appear that the woman’s lover jumped to his death from a 14th-floor penthouse. But, Eid was so stupid he was all over the internet searching for ways to make poison ricin, ways to buy cyanide and how to build a homemade silencer for his gun. If that wasn’t bad enough, he also had the cajones to approach his intended targets and tell them he wouldn’t kill them if they paid him the balance of the contracts he had on them. Fortunately, one of the intended victims went to the police and Eid is in the slammer, as are his former clients.

What I’m willing to do is strictly legal - or will be - particularly if I’m given permission, which I will insist on. Here’s how I’ll work: say you want me to kiss somebody or to kiss you - for whatever reason. You secure permission or give me permission in writing and pay me $10 and I’ll do it. I can give my target a chaste peck on the cheek, a hickey sucker on the neck, a clingy lip lock with hug that goes on for several minutes (my personal favorite) or a deep, no-part-of-the-tongue-withheld French kiss. This could work for anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, lots of things. Let your imagination run wild. If you or your significant woman swoons to romantic stories or movies or the thrill has gone out of your relationship (or if you don’t have a relationship), I’m your man. I promise satisfaction or I’ll keep going back until I get it right.

Sorry, but this offer is only good within the city limits of Olympia, Lacey and Tumwater unless you want to pay me an additional 50 cents per mile for gas. The offer is for one kiss. Extras cost another $5 each. And if you want me to bring Sam (who gives great licky-kisses, I would need another $10 for him. Also, I only work from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Monday through Friday. Don’t worry, I have no STDs, I’m not a wanted felon and I don’t smoke.

Please remember you’re only hiring me to kiss, nothing else, and I must have written permission first. I do not want to be accused of assault. Three bags of poop on being arrested for assault. Contact me through this blog if you’re interested in this offer. I’m hoping to put up a website soon. I might call it or TheWild& We’ll see.

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