Channeling Up Low Gas Prices

The high price of gas be darned.

Sam and I wasted a couple gallons of gas this morning to go for a ride because we needed to get out of the house. We drove to Yelm, a little berg southeast of Olympia. One of the town’s main claims to fame is the fact that it’s home to JZ Knight, the woman who “channels” Ramtha, a seven-foot tall, 35,000-year old spirit being.

After driving to Yelm and past JZ’s compound I got to thinking (always a dangerous thing). What if I could channel up someone who could help solve the gas crisis? It’s all over the news right now that the price of gas is going to “skyrocket” past $5 a gallon. Surprise, surprise, surprise. Anybody with half a brain should know that the speculators and oil companies are not going to be happy until they have sucked our pockets dry. I’ve said for a long time that we’ll never see gas prices go below $3 a gallon again and as soon as it hit $3.33 here it started back up. Of course the speculators and oil companies use the unrest in the Middle East as justification for screwing us like humpless camels wandering around dazed in the desert.

Anyway, back to Ramtha. “What do you think?” I asked Sam.

“I could channel up Clifford,” Sam volunteered.

“Well, he’s big enough to be imposing,” I said, “but he’s red and he’s fictional. That could be a problem.”

“How about the Sphinx?”

“How about a dog like Lassie or Rin Tin Tin?” I said.

“How about the Hound of the Baskervilles,” Sam barked enthusiastically.

“Might work,” I said. “I’m going to be quiet a minute now and see if I can channel up someone helpful.”

Sam and I fell silent for several minutes. Then . . .

“Somebody looking for me?” a voice asked.

I opened my eyes and saw a skinny, scrawny worm writhing on the sidewalk. He wasn’t even big enough to be an earthworm. He reminded me of what Don Knotts might look like if he were a worm.

“Who’re you?” I asked.

“Carlisle,” the spirit answered. “I think you just channeled me.”

“I was trying to channel somebody a lot bigger,” I said.

“Well, you got me bub,” Carlisle said. “What can I do for you?”

“I was hoping I could channel someone who could help us combat the high price of gas,” I said.

“Oh that,” Carlisle said. “Just quit buying it.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. Trust me, it’ll work. “

“You’re crazy,” I said.

“Look, if you want me to take over your body and impart wisdom to the world for you, you can’t call me crazy. You think JZ Knight calls Ramrod, uh Ramikin, uh Ramdodge crazy? Shoot, what is his name?”

“Ramtha,”

“Yeah, Ramtha, Say, wasn’t JZ engaged to marry a dentist before she channeled up old Ramtha? She must not have liked the idea of being drilled so much. Once you’ve had a 7-foot spirit take over your body no other guy can quite measure up I guess.”

“Anyway,” Carlisle continued, “You gotta’ let me use your imagination, come up with alternative solutions. You remember Hannibal? He carried out a surprise attack on the Romans by taking his elephants across the Alps.”

“But, they weren’t fighting about gas in those days . . .”

“Hoo! Some of those elephants had massive gas. You’re missing the point. You gotta’ think outta’ the box as you modern people are so fond of saying.”

“Boy, I have my doubts about this.”

“I’ve wormed my way into a lot of people’s brains and I tell you this will work! In fact me and my cousins routinely take over peoples’ brains in the grave. You know, the worms crawl in the worms crawl out . . . But that’s another story.”

Hm-m-m. I think I’ll just channel three bags of poop on high gas prices and take Sam for another ride.