According to Sam and Jim Commenting on things that irk us off, make us laugh out loud or just seem too weird too believe According to Sam and Jim: Wear a bracelet, break a habit

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Wear a bracelet, break a habit

Sam and I are thinking about getting fitted for iBads.

iBad is an acronym for Iron Bracelet Activities Detector - not I’m Big And Dumb as some people suggest. iBads are like the ankle bracelets criminals wear when they’re under house arrest so the cops can monitor the bad guys while they wait for their day in court. Fortunately, an iBad is considered more socially acceptable than an iBart – I’ve Been Anal Retentive – or an iStud which a lot of criminals like because they don’t know that’s an acronym for I’m Stupid And Under Developed.

Sam and I would get iBads voluntarily because we want to kick our donut habit (did I say that?). We thought the iBad was a good idea after reading that a lot of people become so addicted to technology they give up their bad habits. If wearing iBads would help Sam and I give up donuts my wife argues they might be worth the discomfort and the inconvenience (easy for her to say). Also, voluntarily wearing an iBad would certainly be better than committing oneself to a psychiatric hospital – aka the Nut House, Fruit Loop City, the Orphanage of Lost Souls, Screw Loose Warehouse . . .

According to the Los Angeles Times up to one third of Americans would rather give up sex than give up their cell phones (never!). Forty percent of iPhone users would rather give up brushing their teeth than get rid of their cell phones (okay). Twenty one percent of people polled by the Times would rather go shoeless than give up their cell phones (hmmm).

More than half of Americans apparently told the Times they would give up alcohol, caffeine and chocolate rather than part with their cell phones. I could give up alcohol and I don’t let Sam have chocolate, but give up coffee?! NO FREAKING WAY. I’ll drown my danged cell phone in Sam’s dirty bathwater before I part with Old Java Joe. And to the 60 percent of Americans who said they sleep with their cell phones every night – get a dog, that’s way better. At least if the dog wakes you up at 2 a.m. you’ll know he really does have something urgent on his mind.

Okay, Sam and will admit we feel a little lonely when we’re not on the Internet. Being unplugged, even temporarily, is about as bad as going for a day without coffee and donuts. I worry though that if Sam and I do get iBads if we’ll be expected to join a therapy group. I can’t imagine the two of us sitting around in a circle with accused sexual assaulters, drug sellers and car thieves. What a bad influence. After a few sessions, we might be tempted to steal a car, joyride to the donut shop, trade a little Mary Jane for a couple of raised chocolates and try to make love to the counter girl. Good thing Sam at least has been neutered.

Maybe Sam and I should wear iGoods; you know, I Got Over Old Dumbstuff, because we already are pretty well squared away.

Aw poop on it. Sam and I are going out for donuts and coffee. As Popeye might say, “We y’am what we y’am. Dig it?

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